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Blood Gnome

When I first picked up the box for “Blood Gnome” my eyes latched onto this quote: “This is one sexy horrific ride!” The fact that it was attributed absolutely no one should have sent warning bells off in my head, but then I saw the back of the box, which promised of hot nekkid chicas with whips. Hell, I may be a Taco, but I’m all man, baby, so I snatched up “Blood Gnome” and brought it home with me.

“Blood Gnome” is the bizarre tale of a dominatrix who is also a drug manufacturer/supplier. She makes her drugs (called “Ecstasy times 10,” hereafter called “Xx10”) by drawing the liquid out of the placenta from an alien she keeps in a crate, then drying it out and encapsulating it. This alien, whose presence is never explained, can only give birth when it feeds on human flesh, which means our BitchQueenGoddess (hereafter called “BQG”) must keep it well fed in order to keep her supply of “Xx10” up.

But wait, that’s not the weird part. For some strange reason “BQG” can’t just chop people up and feed them to her pet. Instead, she enlists the help of little invisible rubber puppets called – you guessed it – Blood Gnomes. Trust me, they look nowhere near as cool as the non-existent creatures pictured on the box. Once first blood is drawn by the BQG, these little guys come in and take care of the rest, slicing up victims into bite-sized pieces for Momma Alien.

But wait, that’s not the weird part either. BQG tells her pushers on the QT not to sell Xx10 to the BDSM community or they might be CAKEd, and then they’ll be SOL. Erm…I can see I’ve lost some of you. Simply put, she doesn’t want her people in the Bondage/Dominance/Sado-masochistic community (that would be all those hot nekkid chicas with whips) strung out because she plans to feed them all to her alien pet.

Of course, there’s only one lone dude who can see the Blood Gnomes, but no one believes him because he just got out of the local looney bin. Of course, there’s only one lone woman (named “Divinity”) in the BDSM community who believes him. Of course they get it on.

The puppets are crap, but the gore is pretty damned impressive, particularly the wounds caused by the invisible gnomes. The title sequence is artistic and got me all hot and bothered, but then the film actually started and had to ruin my happy, warm feelings. The acting is of porn star quality which is fitting, because there’s so much BDSM stuff going on it began to feel like a softcore advertisement by the end. The most natural actor in the whole film is the BQG (actually called “Elandra”), who is played by a stunt woman, so that should tell you the quality of this baby.

Pros: Divinity and Athena Demos (as the woman in the title sequence) nekkid are worth the rental. Damn. Good blood effects, and 2 short, creative BDSM scenes. Near-Japanese weirdness could have been great…
Cons: …but it’s undermined by poor acting, crappy puppets and waaaaaay tooooooo muuuuuch softcore nonsense.
Review Rating: 2 out of 5 Gravity-defying-but-all-natural Divine Divinitys.

Blood Gnome” (2004)
90 Minutes; USA
Rated R for strong sexual content, violence/gore and language.

Starring:
Vincent Bilancio (Daniel)
Melissa Pursley (Divinity)
Ri Walton (Elandra)
Scott Evangelista (Tedd)
Julie Strain (Bondage Queen)
Athena Demos (First Victim)
Directed by: John Lechago
Viewing Format: DVD

(Originally published on HorrorWatch)

About John Daily

John is a freelance writer, columnist and critic. His work has appeared in print, as well as on sites such as ScifiWatch and HorrorWatch (where he wrote under the complete meaningless moniker “Bloody Taco”). An archive of his film-related material is available at cinemaspin.wordpress.com. Currently, he can be found spouting his special brand of sarcastic nonsense at CigarHell.com or Twitter (JohnNDaily).

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