Action / Adventure, All Reviews, Comic Book Adaptation, Fantasy

Catwoman

There’s something wrong when a movie features a half-naked Halle Berry running around in a leather catsuit and brandishing a six-foot long whip – yet still manages to be boring. That problem is not with Berry, who is as fine an actor as anyone else onscreen these days, but with a script that continually contradicts its own logic and has pacing more appropriate to an Emma Thompson film than a summer action flick.

Not to beat a dead cat, but even the dialogue sounds like it was written by a ten-year old. Check out this exchange:
VILLAIN: “Game over.”
CATWOMAN: It’s overtime!

But what about the plot? “Catwoman’s” only true competition, “Spider-Man 2,” features the webbed wonder squaring off against a tragic figure: a good-hearted scientist who happens to become fused to four mind-controlling appendages. What does “Catwoman” give us as a threat to the world? Facial cream. No, you read it right; I couldn’t make this stuff up if I tried. Apparently, this particular brand causes massive scarring if consumers stop using it, so our famed feline must stop those responsible before it’s released upon an unsuspecting public. Where is the FDA in this movie? What happened to the test subjects? Has no one stopped using it up to this point? And when a character who has been slathering on the cream like lint in a plumber’s asscrack stops using it, guess what happens to her? Nothing. Nope, didn’t much make sense to me either.

I wanted to like “Catwoman” but, with the exception of some nifty visuals and Berry’s performance (she more than lives up to the pressure of those who wore the suit before her), I couldn’t help but think that the director might have been paid off by the “Spider-Man 2′ camp to keep their ticket sales up. Yes, it really is that bad. It may sound like a cat, but I spell it D-O-G.

Pros: Berry proves she can act her way out of a trash bag.
Cons: Everything else.
Review Rating: 1 out of 5 barely-written scripts.

Catwoman” (2004)
104 min; USA
Rated PG-13 for action violence and some sensuality.

Starring:
Halle Berry (Patience Phillips/Catwoman)
Benjamin Bratt (Tom Lone)
Sharon Stone (Laurel Hedare)
Lambert Wilson (George Hedare)
Frances Conroy (Ophelia)
Alex Borstein (Sally)
Directed by: Pitof
Viewing Format: Theatrical Release

(Originally published on SciFiWatch)

About John Daily

John is a freelance writer, columnist and critic. His work has appeared in print, as well as on sites such as ScifiWatch and HorrorWatch (where he wrote under the complete meaningless moniker “Bloody Taco”). An archive of his film-related material is available at cinemaspin.wordpress.com. Currently, he can be found spouting his special brand of sarcastic nonsense at CigarHell.com or Twitter (JohnNDaily).

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