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Die You Zombie Bastards!

“Die You Zombie Bastards” begins with a serial killer (named Red Tool) who, in a winking homage to 80’s horror flicks, targets two teens getting it on in the back of a convertible. He’s got his sling blade ready for some quick decapitations (some folks call it a Kaiser blade, I call it a sling blade), when the girl says to her beau, “I love you.” Red looks up to the heavens with a wistful smile as he gushes “she loves him!” Clearly, this guy is a soft touch.

Mr. Tool, who dresses like a superhero and speaks like Jon Lovitz’ “Master Thespian” character from Saturday Night Live, has a wife named Violet who shares a love of cannibalism with him. One day, a mysterious cloaked man with a gigantic nose (and penis to match) sees them on a Hillbilly version of “The Newlywed Game” and decides to make her his own, using a group of female zombie henchmen. Or women. Or something.

Of course, once Violet goes missing, our killer hero takes his case to cops:
Detective: Sounds rather queer. Does your wife have any enemies?
Killer Hero: Only once in a while would she do that, when we were in the right mood.
Detective: Enemies! ENEMIES.

In the meantime, Violet has some troubles of her own:
Mysterious Cloaked Man: Then I saw you…my soul mate. You will be the most beautiful woman in the world – with a few physical alterations.
Violet: Out of all the women in the world, you chose me – and now I need alterations?
Mysterious Cloaked Man: Oh don’t be offended my dear; nobody’s perfect.

Added to the mix are three young, blonde archaeologists looking for evidence of a giant half-man-half-fish who, of course, just happens to sport a vicious looking penis. Of course, these women weren’t chosen for their acting ability, and they’re only onscreen for about a minute before the clothes fly off and they’re splashing around in the water. I think most of you have gotten by now that “Die You Zombie Bastards!” doesn’t take itself seriously.

To try to explain the rest of the film is futile. There’s a Rastafarian guru in a bubble bath, porn legend Jamie Gillis as a man who has a habit of showing up in impossible places, and a Jason-like killer in the Bahamas known as “CoconutHeadFaceMan.” To put it simply, “Die You Zombie Bastards!” is a flick that defies description.

The humor is overt and campy. If this is your type of thing and you haven’t seen a good Troma film in a while, “Die You Zombie Bastards” might just be the ticket. It’s not something I’d watch under normal circumstances, but I can honestly say I wasn’t bored at all, and that’s more than I can say for most big-budget films these days.

Pros: Very funny if you’re into obvious slapstick…
Cons: …but the constant breast and penis jokes wear a bit thin after a while.
Review Rating: 2.75 out of 5 nipple-mutilating cheese men.

Die You Zombie Bastards!” (2005)
97 Minutes; USA
Not Rated, but equivalent to an R Rating due to horror violence, sexual content, nudity, and language.

Starring:
Tim Gerstmar (Red)
Pippi Zornoza (Violet)
Geoff Mosher (Nefarious)
Jamie Gillis (Stavros)
Jennifer K. Beal (Shannon Maldonato)
Sadie Blades (Nikki Maldonato)
Directed by: Caleb Emerson
Written by: Haig Demarjian and Caleb Emerson
Viewing Format: DVD

About John Daily

John is a freelance writer, columnist and critic. His work has appeared in print, as well as on sites such as ScifiWatch and HorrorWatch (where he wrote under the complete meaningless moniker “Bloody Taco”). An archive of his film-related material is available at cinemaspin.wordpress.com. Currently, he can be found spouting his special brand of sarcastic nonsense at CigarHell.com or Twitter (JohnNDaily).

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