Die You Zombie Bastards!

“Die You Zombie Bastards” begins with a serial killer (named Red Tool) who, in a winking homage to 80’s horror flicks, targets two teens getting it on in the back of a convertible. He’s got his sling blade ready for some quick decapitations (some folks call it a Kaiser blade, I call it a sling blade), when the girl says to her beau, “I love you.” Red looks up to the heavens with a wistful smile as he gushes “she loves him!” Clearly, this guy is a soft touch.

Mr. Tool, who dresses like a superhero and speaks like Jon Lovitz’ “Master Thespian” character from Saturday Night Live, has a wife named Violet who shares a love of cannibalism with him. One day, a mysterious cloaked man with a gigantic nose (and penis to match) sees them on a Hillbilly version of “The Newlywed Game” and decides to make her his own, using a group of female zombie henchmen. Or women. Or something.

Of course, once Violet goes missing, our killer hero takes his case to cops:
Detective: Sounds rather queer. Does your wife have any enemies?
Killer Hero: Only once in a while would she do that, when we were in the right mood.
Detective: Enemies! ENEMIES.

In the meantime, Violet has some troubles of her own:
Mysterious Cloaked Man: Then I saw you…my soul mate. You will be the most beautiful woman in the world – with a few physical alterations.
Violet: Out of all the women in the world, you chose me – and now I need alterations?
Mysterious Cloaked Man: Oh don’t be offended my dear; nobody’s perfect.

Added to the mix are three young, blonde archaeologists looking for evidence of a giant half-man-half-fish who, of course, just happens to sport a vicious looking penis. Of course, these women weren’t chosen for their acting ability, and they’re only onscreen for about a minute before the clothes fly off and they’re splashing around in the water. I think most of you have gotten by now that “Die You Zombie Bastards!” doesn’t take itself seriously.

To try to explain the rest of the film is futile. There’s a Rastafarian guru in a bubble bath, porn legend Jamie Gillis as a man who has a habit of showing up in impossible places, and a Jason-like killer in the Bahamas known as “CoconutHeadFaceMan.” To put it simply, “Die You Zombie Bastards!” is a flick that defies description.

The humor is overt and campy. If this is your type of thing and you haven’t seen a good Troma film in a while, “Die You Zombie Bastards” might just be the ticket. It’s not something I’d watch under normal circumstances, but I can honestly say I wasn’t bored at all, and that’s more than I can say for most big-budget films these days.

Pros: Very funny if you’re into obvious slapstick…
Cons: …but the constant breast and penis jokes wear a bit thin after a while.
Review Rating: 2.75 out of 5 nipple-mutilating cheese men.

“Die You Zombie Bastards!” (2005)
97 Minutes; USA
Not Rated, but equivalent to an R Rating due to horror violence, sexual content, nudity, and language.

Starring:
Tim Gerstmar (Red)
Pippi Zornoza (Violet)
Geoff Mosher (Nefarious)
Jamie Gillis (Stavros)
Jennifer K. Beal (Shannon Maldonato)
Sadie Blades (Nikki Maldonato)
Directed by: Caleb Emerson
Written by: Haig Demarjian and Caleb Emerson
Viewing Format: DVD